Learning To Trust Again

Feeling a measure of relief now he had started Jake looked up at her and continued ‘I was involved with someone’ he said and paused again. He sentences were short and choppy as if he was struggling to get the words out. ‘She was a cop too’ he said ‘in a different unit. She was killed a little over a year ago. It happened on the job.’ Looking away he said ‘when I kissed you, it brought on feelings of guilt, guilt at moving on because it felt so right. I didn’t expect that and I reacted badly, I’m sorry.’

Pausing once again his eyes on their linked hands he said ‘she is also part of the reason I lied to you. Yes Todd asked me not to tell you, but it was an easy thing for me to agree to because deep down I didn’t want to tell you.’

Rebecca was frowning now and as he looked up briefly he saw the confusion and unease on her face, he sighed and said in a quiet voice ‘I couldn’t save her. I was there. She was shot right in front of me and still I couldn’t stop her dying. I couldn’t bear the thought of that happening again. I knew what ever Todd was involved in was dangerous and I didn’t want you involved. I didn’t want to lose you so I lied to you and ended up losing you anyway. I’m sorry. I know that it was wrong. I shouldn’t have made decisions on your behalf.  But it won’t happen again. I want you to be able to trust me.’

‘Oh Jake, what a mess’ Rebecca said with a sigh as she realised just how much their combined baggage of past relationships had impacted on the present and messed everything up.

Nodding without looking at her, Jake sounded solemn as he said ‘agreed.’

‘Hey’ she said prompting him to look at her. As he raised his eyes to meet hers she added ‘my turn to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through and for everything you’ve lost. But most of all I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I overreacted.’

‘Forget about it’ Jake said ‘I can understand now why you felt I’d betrayed you.’ His expression hardening, making it look like his jaw was hewed from solid granite, he said ‘if I ever get my hands on Mark, I’ll make sure he suffers for what he did.’

Smiling, touched by his indignation on her behalf she said ‘forget about him. As of now he no longer exists.’ And she meant it. She had wasted five years of her life on him and he had very nearly cost her Jake. She was not going to let him have that much power over her life anymore.

Looking at her, her hand still in his, he lifted it and tugged her towards him until she got up. Once she was on her feet, he pulled her onto his lap. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tight against him.

Rebecca wrapped her arms around him and held him just as tight.

 Jake sighed. Easing back after a minute, he searched her eyes as he pushed some hair off her face with a tender touch, ‘I love you’ he said before leaning in and kissing her.

Ecstatic to hear him say those words, Rebecca sighed against his mouth and deepened the kiss. She had loved him for so long, even when she was pushing him away, she loved him.

 Jake’s felt his body respond to her close proximity but not wanting to take advantage of the situation, knowing she was vulnerable he eased back after a minute. She hadn’t responded to his declaration and looking at her, he let his breath out on a sigh ‘I think I’d better go.’

Learning To Trust Again

Rebecca had kept her eyes averted as she spoke. She didn’t want to see the pity and scorn she was sure Jake must be feeling, displayed in his features. But now as she risked a glance at him she was so surprised to see he was scowling, his face as black as a thunder cloud and she didn’t look away. As she searched his eyes, he rubbed her hand. He said in a gentle voice ‘Bec no. He was a bastard and an idiot and I’d like to get him alone in a room somewhere. I’d show him what it means to hurt. It is not stupid to believe someone you care about.’

Brushing her tears away, Rebecca shook her head and looked away again ‘I should have listened. Lots of people tried to tell me what he was like, but I knew better. I just didn’t see it, didn’t want to I guess.’

‘Rebecca’ Jake said, his voice firm as he squeezed her hand to prompt her to look at him, ‘it was not your fault, you did nothing wrong’ and without warning, he leaned in and kissed her. It was a sweet, tender kiss that did not feel to Rebecca like he was trying to take advantage of her vulnerability. Rather it felt like he was offering comfort and the caring contact was exactly what she needed. Soothed by the touch of his lips, she kissed him back and as he eased back, moments later, she said ‘thank you.’

Looking uncomfortable, Jake nodded ‘no worries.’

Taking a deep breath Rebecca continued ‘after what happened with Mark I vowed never to let anyone lie to me again. That’s why I reacted so badly when you lied about Todd. I couldn’t face the thought of going through that again.’

‘Bec, I know I should have told you’ Jake said ‘but there is something I need to explain too. This time it was his turn to take a deep breath. After a pause he said ‘do you remember you asked me once why I kissed you and then pulled away?’

As she nodded he continued ‘well I didn’t tell you the reason.’ And looking down at their linked hands he said ‘firstly I’m sorry for that, I never meant to make you feel like I regretted kissing you. But if I’m honest, I don’t know why I kissed you that first time, it happened before I could stop it and it took me by surprise. I wasn’t prepared for what I felt. I haven’t been close to anyone for a long time. I’ve purposely avoided it actually.’

He paused, his eyes still averted.

It was Rebecca’s turn to offer reassurance, she squeezed his hand.

Loss and Longing

At eleven Stevie roused herself and sitting up, she said “I have to go.”

She gathered her clothes and pulled them on.

Grant got up too and pulled on some tracksuit pants. He didn’t bother with a top. Once she was dressed he walked her out to her car. She picked up her bag that was still sitting on the floor near the door on the way. “Sorry, I didn’t give you much chance to get inside did I?” he said with a chuckle.

“I’m not complaining” Stevie said as she reached up and kissed him.

He grinned.

 “You busy tomorrow night?” he asked.

“It’s Friday” she said and marvelled that it was only a week since they’d met. So much had happened. “I have to work until nine.

“Okay then, how about I pick you up afterwards and we go out for a drink.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Well I’d have said come back here again but we both know what happens when you do that” and with a grin he added, “I’d hate for you to think that’s the only reason I want to see you.”

Stevie laughed, “I don’t think that.”

“Good” he said “but a change of scenery amongst other people might be fun for a change.”

“I agree” she said and she reached up to hug him. As she did he whispered “we can always come back here afterwards.”

Stevie chuckled. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

Grant grinned and leaning down to give her a kiss he released her.

“Bye” she said.

“Drive safely.”

She smiled and got in her car.

Learning To Trust Again

The journey to Rebecca’s was as usual conducted in silence. Jake wanted to touch her but he didn’t want to risk scaring her off, not now. He kept his hands in his pockets as they walked so he won’t be tempted. When they walked past the pub he was reminded of the night they had first met. It seemed like years ago. He looked over at Rebecca wondering if she was thinking the same thing. But her expression told him nothing. He turned back to face forward.

For once Rebecca had been happy not to talk as they walked. She didn’t want to get into what they had to discuss until they could do it without distractions. Letting them into her apartment she dropped her bag on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch. All of a sudden she felt very weary. She still hadn’t caught up on the sleep she’d lost in the last few days. After speaking to Jake last night, she had once again had a disturbed night.

Sitting down next to her but not touching her Jake said ‘do you want to start?’

Nodding she said ‘I think I need to explain something, but it’s difficult for me to talk about.’

Reaching out, Jake picked up her hand. He rubbed his thumb over the back of hand ‘take your time’ he said.

Looking away from him, but appreciating the contact, Rebecca didn’t pull her hand away. She swallowed hard and began. ‘Before I moved here I was in a relationship with a guy named Mark. I met him when I was nineteen. He was twenty five and we were together for about five years.’ Her voice was barely more than a whisper as she continued, fighting to get the words out ‘it wasn’t a healthy relationship, at least it wasn’t for me, not that I saw that at the time. For him it was probably as good as it got. Although I didn’t know it until the end, he had lied to me about everything. From the first moment we met until I finally saw him for what he was, it was all a lie. He stole from me and used me and as naïve as I was, I believed everything he said without question. I wouldn’t listen to anyone when they tried to tell me what he was like. I was in love with him and absolutely blind to everything he was doing. It took him wiping out my bank account, selling my car without my knowledge and when I went to ask him about it, finding him in bed with someone else, for it to finally hit home.’

Silent for a minute, tears started to run down her face. Her voice was broken and raw as she added, ‘he laughed at me. When I went to his place to confront him, and found him in bed with a woman who had pretended to be my friend, he laughed. He told me he had never loved me and that I was the easiest person to play he’d ever come across. He said he couldn’t believe how simple it was to get me to forgive him, no matter what he did and the only reason he wasn’t going to bother this time was because I had nothing left for him to take. I was stupid.’

Learning To Trust Again

‘If you were given the chance’ Rebecca said, choosing her words with care ‘it couldn’t.’

Eyes intent and steady on hers he said ‘If I was given the chance I promise you, you would only ever get the truth from me, no exceptions.’

Staring into his steady green gaze Rebecca finally nodded, but she didn’t speak again.

In the same quiet voice, Jake said ‘thank you for defending me.’

Shrugging Rebecca looked away. ‘I knew you wouldn’t make something like that up. I knew you weren’t capable of that kind of lie.’

‘Thank you’ he said again and after a second he added ‘I’m sorry.’

Rebecca knew he was referring to what had happened after Todd’s party rather than anything current and without looking at him she said ‘what are you doing now?’

Hope in his voice, Jake said ‘nothing, I was just heading home.’

Rebecca raised her eyes, ‘do you want to come back to my place? I think we need to talk.’

Nodding, Jake replied in the same serious tone ‘I’d like that. Did you walk over?’

‘Yes’ Rebecca said ‘you?’

‘Yep’ he said ‘I’m on foot too.’

Rebecca felt a little awkward and looked away ‘okay.’ Then not knowing what to say she took a step and then another and they started walking down the corridor. Jake fell into step beside her and they made their way out of the hospital.