Learning To Trust Again

As they walked along, heading for an office, where she knew there was a sink and which she hoped was empty, she asked ‘what happened?’

Shrugging Jake said ‘I managed to get on the wrong end of a knife.’

Rebecca looked at him as she held open the door for him to enter ‘how bad?’ she asked, her voice was laced with concern that she couldn’t conceal.

‘I thought you were supposed to tell me that’ Jake said with a crooked smile, taking a seat in the chair she pulled up next to the bench housing the sink.

Rebecca smiled as she realised the idiocy of her question and pulled a sterile tray out of the cupboard below the counter. Laying a disposable protective sheet on the bench, she indicated for him to place his hand on it and unwrapped the bandage so she could examined the deep gash in the thick part of his left palm ‘It’s going to need stitches’ she said as she checked the wound for debris.

‘I figured as much’ he said.

Rebecca looked up into his eyes ‘I’ll get a doctor to come and do it straight away.’

Jake nodded, looking back at his hand ‘thanks.’

‘Stay here’ she said on her way back across the room. ‘I’ll be back in a minute’ and she walked out. Reaching the corridor a smile broke out on Rebecca’s face as she took a deep calming breath. As much as she didn’t like the idea of Jake being injured, she couldn’t help but be grateful it had brought him to her hospital. Walking back into emergency Rebecca stopped Dr. Ian Nichols as he was leaving a cubical ‘hey Ian can you come and sew up a wound for me?’

‘Is that the next case’ Dr. Nichols said. The doctor was a thin man in his early forties with jet black hair. Depositing the folder he was carrying on the reception desk he said to another nurse ‘this one’s ready for discharge.

The nurse picked up the file and nodding, moved off.

‘It is now’ Rebecca said in answer to the doctor’s question as he moved to follow her. ‘It’ll only take a few minutes. He’s a cop and needs to get back to work.’

‘Okay’ Ian replied ‘where is he?’

‘Your office’ Rebecca replied as she led the way back to where she had left Jake. Seeing his raised eyebrows as the doctor looked at her, she smiled and said ‘it was the only spot vacant.’

Learning To Trust Again

Two days later Rebecca had an early start at work and right from the beginning of the shift it was hectic. Every room was already full and there were several people still waiting to be seen when a police car pulled up out front. It was not an unusual occurrence in her department, police were in and out of the hospital all the time for any number of reasons, but on this day, for Rebecca, it brought Jake to mind. Thoughtful and a little sad at the premature end of their involvement, Rebecca moved her eyes and her focus back to the chart on the desk that she had been filling out. She needed to finish it and move on to the next patient.

‘Rebecca’ a deep male voice said a few seconds later, startling her. Looking up, her eyes widened as she met Jake’s steady green gaze. Jerking to her feet, embarrassed suddenly as if he could tell she’d just been thinking about him, she said ‘Jake? Hi.’ She felt slightly breathless as she inspected him in his uniform. He was certainly a sight to be seen in navy blue pants and shirt, with a vest over the top that looked to contain all sorts of bits and pieces and had the word police on it. Her gaze moving further down, she saw the gun strapped to his right thigh. Looking away, she shuffled the forms on the desk as she tried to get her breathing under control ‘what brings you here?’ she asked without looking up.

Holding up his bandaged hand, that Rebecca hadn’t even noticed, he said ‘I need some repairs.’

Further embarrassed as she looked back and realised that she had been so busy checking him out she’d missed his injury, Rebecca blushed and said ‘sorry, um okay.’ She felt hot and flustered and cursed herself for her uncontrolled response. She looked around, not meeting his gaze and muttered ‘let me find somewhere to put you?’

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jake smile and cursed herself. She knew he hadn’t missed her nervousness. He said ‘I can wait.’

‘No that’s okay’ she said, doing her best to pull herself together ‘you need to get back to work’ and still without meeting his eyes she turned and said ‘come with me.’ It was hospital policy to see injured members of the emergency services as quickly as possible so they could get back on the job without delay. Therefore she wasn’t doing anything she wouldn’t have done for any officer who presented themselves needing assistance. It was just a matter of finding somewhere to see to his injuries.

Loss and Longing

“Are you involved with anyone?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“Neither am I, so would it be so bad?”

“What do you mean?” she said, unable to get her brain functioning enough to process what he was saying.

He smiled and said “just this” before leaning closer and resting his mouth on hers. It couldn’t really be called a kiss but the contact caused a current of electricity to shoot through Stevie and powerless to stop it, she moved her lips against his. She felt him smile against her mouth and then he placed a hand behind her head and kissed her properly.

Lost in the caress it was a few second before Stevie realised he had moved back. She opened her eyes. His eyes were mere centimetres from her own. As she watched, one corner of his mouth lifted in a crooked smile, “bad?” he said.

Stevie couldn’t speak but looking down at her mug she shook her head. What they had just shared was as far from bad as it was possible to get but it was also like nothing she had ever known. It frightened her.

“Not for me either” Grant said as he moved his hand along the bench and touched the back of the hand she still had wrapped around the mug with his little finger. Stevie shivered and jerked to her feet. She needed to get out of there before she did something stupid.  “I have to go” she said and picking up her bag she ran out of the room and out of the house. She heard him call out her name but she didn’t stop.

However as she got in her car she thought about what she’d done and cursed herself for being stupid.  She banged both fists down on the steering wheel. Why did she do that? She’d liked kissing him, so why did she run? Frustrated she threw the car into reverse and roared down the driveway. She knew she’d just thrown away something that could have been wonderful before it had even started. Damn it, and as anger blinded her, she had to pull over on the side of the road to give herself time to calm down. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. Then feeling more composed, she pulled back out onto the road and drove home.

Learning To Trust Again

Later after Todd had gone home Rebecca’s mind wandered back to Jake. Despite her assurance to her brother that she knew Jake was genuine, she couldn’t help but wonder. Isn’t that what she had thought about Mark until she found out differently? What if she was wrong again? She frowned and wished her brother hadn’t been there when Jake arrived. She hated the doubt it had caused. If she’d been alone, even if he still hadn’t stayed, things wouldn’t have been so strained and awkward and she wouldn’t be sitting here second guessing herself now. Hating Mark more than ever for continuing to have an effect on her life, she wished she had a better idea about what Jake was thinking.

Even though she’d been able to think of little else but him and that kiss he gave her, she had no idea how he was feeling. The fact that he left without a word afterwards wasn’t a good sign and this visit didn’t really give her any further clues. Except for the fact that he could have simply thrown the scarf away if he didn’t want to see her again. She certainly didn’t believe he took the scarf purposely as Todd had suggested. She remembered hanging it on the chair and must have knocked it off and not noticed when she put her coat back on. It wasn’t a turn of events that was out of the question given her preoccupation at the time with trying to find out more about him.

Maybe he had come back today to explain why he left and was using the scarf as an excuse. Perhaps his interest wasn’t solely about protecting her after all, and as she was considering his motivation, something else occurred to her, something that could have been much more positive. The fact that he was now on night shift could explain his concern about her being finished the late shift. If he was working overnight he couldn’t escort her home anymore. Maybe it wasn’t just a sense of duty that brought him back those further two nights or it wasn’t only that.

Feeling lighter for a second she was then brought down to earth again as she realised that after Todd’s behaviour when he arrived, it was unlikely Jake would be back. She couldn’t imagine him opening himself up to that again, even if returning her scarf was just an excuse. And who could blame him.

Sighing she picked up the scarf and lifted it to her face. She noticed it smelt like him. Maybe he had put it inside his jacket to carry it. Closing her eyes she inhaled his scent for a second before walking into her bedroom and laying the scarf on her bed. She wouldn’t wear it again. She didn’t want to lose that smell. Walking back into the living room she got down to work. As much as she hated it, she wanted to get her housework over and done with so she could enjoy the rest of the day. She had put it off long enough.

Parenthood 2

I have been a parent for eighteen years and I have just realised an important fact. Slow of me I know but often when a thing is always there you fail to notice it after a while. However it has come to my conscious attention that parenthood is a series of anxieties and it is only the intensity that varies. We have our joys and our sorrows but in between these high and low points we worry. Worry they are getting a fair go, worry they are giving others a fair go, worry they are safe, worry they are well, worry they aren’t hurt, worry about countless things. These concerns come and go constantly with seldom a break and no matter how old your children become, they continue. The only difference is the details. 

As parents we take on our children’s problems and suffer along with them when they meet life’s obstacles, and the more children you have the more anxieties you have to deal with, or this is how it seem to me. You can only pray that they do not all peak at the same time but by the same token hope that their ebbs coincide. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that it is at times when these anxieties are low that are the days to be truly celebrated. Not birthdays or milestones or graduations, weddings etc, it is the days when our kids are as happy as they can be with their lot and the level of anxiety is at a point where we are able to sleep at night that we as parents should take the time to toast ourselves. Because we can be sure in the knowledge, that at any given moment, it will all turn to crap.  

Learning To Trust Again

Closing the door Rebecca rounded on her brother and in angry tone accused ‘that was incredibly rude Todd. This is my home and you have no right to be rude to anyone who comes here to visit me.’

‘Yeah well I was right about him making a nuisance of himself wasn’t I?’ A feeling of vindication was clear in his tone. ‘I’m glad I was here this time, hopefully he’ll think twice about popping by again. And what the hell were you doing asking him in anyway?’

‘Todd’ Rebecca said with irritation ‘you saw that he was returning my scarf, he didn’t have to do that you know.’

‘That was very convenient if you ask me. Did you even know it was missing?’

Her silence answering his question, he continued on a triumphant note ‘see, he could have taken it himself just so he’d have an excuse to come back here. Maybe you were lucky I was here.’

Even though she didn’t want it to, Todd’s words were starting to undermine her confidence and it was making her angry as a consequence. She didn’t want to mistrust Jake. Walking away from him a little she spun back to face him and said ‘Todd, Jake is not like that.’

‘How do you know?’ he yelled his features contorted with fury all of a sudden. ‘You don’t even know him and yet here he is turning up at your door, uninvited. What if I hadn’t been here? He could have done anything. I’m telling you I don’t like it. I don’t like him.’

Rebecca was so shocked by his rage, her anger evaporated.

‘Todd please, stop it’ she said distressed as she looked at him. She wasn’t used to seeing him so worked up. She needed to bring his rant to an end before she started doubting herself as well.  She didn’t want to go back to being that pathetic figure who couldn’t bring herself to trust anyone, not least her own judgment. She’d fought hard to overcome that dark time in her life. Taking a deep breath and reminding herself of everything she had learnt she touched his arm and said ‘I know why you’re worried, but I have had to learn to trust my judgment again and I do and you have to trust me too. If I got any sense that there was a reason to doubt him, I’d make sure he got the message not to come back.’ Her gaze direct she added with quiet confidence ‘I learnt a lot from Mark, I am no longer the naïve, trusting, young girl I once was. If there is one thing I know from my relationship with him, it’s not to believe everything I see or am told. I don’t take anyone at face value anymore. I need to look after me and I wouldn’t let myself be fooled like that again, I promise you.’

Silent for a minute, he just looked at her. Then surprising her even more than his anger did, he pulled her into his arms, the awkward gesture was by way of an apology. He said ‘okay sis, just be careful yeah?’

Hugging him back Rebecca smiled, ‘always Todd, always.’

Stepping back he teased ‘what do I have to do to get a cup of coffee around here?’

Laughing Rebecca rolled her eyes ‘go take a seat on the balcony, and I’ll go boil the kettle, again.’

Todd grinned at her and she moved into the kitchen. However she missed her brother’s smile fading as soon as she wasn’t looking.

Learning To Trust Again

Rebecca swallowed hard as she recovered from the shock of seeing him again. Her voice a little higher than normal, she said ‘Jake, hi’

Jake was frowning as he fixed his eyes on her, ‘hey.’

But before Rebecca could say anymore Todd’s head had spun around.  Looking hard at her he said ‘Becs is this the guy that’s been following you around?’

‘Todd’ Rebecca hissed through her teeth, furious with her little brother’s lack of tact. She hadn’t missed the frown on Jake’s face deepen as Todd’s asked the question. Tuning back to him hoping to take the sting out of Todd’s uncomplimentary comment, she made the necessary introductions ‘Jake this is my overprotective little brother Todd, Todd, this is Jake, the policeman who kindly came to the rescue the other night.’

But to Rebecca’s surprise Jake’s frown just seemed to deepen more still and she noticed he didn’t even greet Todd. Obviously he wasn’t impressed with Todd’s implication. She sighed. Todd didn’t exactly help either. He didn’t even look at Jake. His eyes on her, Jake got straight to the point of his visit. ‘I just came by to give you this’ he said, holding out her scarf, that she hadn’t even missed since the other night. ‘I went back to that restaurant this morning to pick up a cup of coffee on my way home and the girl who served us remembered me and asked me to pass it on.’

Thinking what girl wouldn’t remember him, Rebecca took the scarf out of his hand, her fingers brushing his in the process sending a jolt of electricity up her arm. ‘Thank you Jake.’

He nodded. ‘No worries.’

Desperate to ease the tension Rebecca had hope in her eyes as she said ‘would you like to come in? We are just having coffee.’ She really did not want him to disappear now he had turned up again.

But Todd was staring hard at her. His look telling her did not like what he was hearing. That she should not be encouraging this guy.

Rebecca ignored him.

But as it turned out Todd didn’t need to worry. Jake just continued to frown and shook his head. ‘Nah, I’ve just had one. I’m on my way home after working a night shift. I need to sleep so more coffee wouldn’t be a good idea. I’ll just keep going.’

Disappointed that he was leaving but at the same time a little relieved, because god knows what Todd may have said given more time, Rebecca said ‘oh okay’ and holding up the scarf she added ‘thanks again.’

‘No problem’ he said and lifting his hand in a gesture of farewell he jogged back down the stairs.

Going Home

Part 92

An hour later as Josh attempted to read the paper his mind wandered once again and he wondered for the hundredth time what his father could possibly want to give him that it required a special visit. Why didn’t he just bring whatever it was to lunch?

Moving past Josh as she headed to the kitchen for a drink Grace noticed his distracted look. Josh had told her that Margaret and Robert were coming over and that Robert said he had something to give Josh so she knew he was wondering what it was. Wanting to let him know she was there for him Grace ran her hand down his face and kissed his temple on her way past.

Feeling the caress Josh smiled but didn’t look at Grace. However before she could move out of reach he grabbed her hand and pulled her onto his lap. Then looking into her eyes he leant forward and kissed her.

After a minute Grace moved her head back and smiling she asked “what was that for?”

Grinning Josh said “do I need a reason?”

“Well no, but I just thought your mind was else where.”

“It was, but as you should know by now all you have to do is touch me and then there is only one thing on my mind.”

Laughing Grace hugged him “well I’m glad to see your sense of humour is still intact.”

“Who’s joking?” Josh said as he leaned in again.

But just as his lips met hers the door bell rand and laughing Grace got up “what’s the line? Saved by the bell.”

Smiling Josh got to his feet too “saved hey?”

Thoughtful, Grace said “okay maybe not saved” then she added contritely “how about I remind you later where we left off.”

Josh smiled “I won’t need reminding Grace” and walking past her he went to answer the door. He knew it would be his parents and as he reached the door he looked over his shoulder at Grace who was standing in the living room doorway and gave her a wink. He opened the door. But as Josh turned to face the couple at the door, the smile dropped from his face.