Loss and Longing

The words were torn from him and while she was relieved Stevie felt remorseful for pushing him. “I’m sorry” she said.

He shook his head, “I should have told you before.”

“Do you often dream about her?”

“I did, I haven’t for a while now though. I was hoping they were a thing of the past. Maybe it was being with your family tonight that stirred it up. I don’t know.”

Stevie crawled over to him and wrapped her arms around him from behind. “I’m sorry” she said again.

He sighed and fitted one hand around her forearm as it lay across his chest. “You have nothing to apologise for.”

“I shouldn’t have made you tell me. I should have trusted you. Is this what you haven’t been able to talk about?”

He nodded.

“Well don’t worry about it” she said, wanting to give him some space. “Let’s just go back to sleep. This isn’t the time.”

“No” he said turning to face her “I need to tell you about it.”

“Are you sure?” she said.

“Yes” he said and pushing the pillow up against the bed head he leant back against it, his long legs were straight out on the bed and crossed at the ankles. “It’s not going to go away by itself. I know that now. Maybe telling you will help.”

Stevie sat next to him and picked up his hand. “Did she die in the accident that killed your parents” she asked trying to help him.

“No” he said “but I wish she had.”

“Why?” she asked when he didn’t say any more. Her voice was soft. She knew now he needed to talk and that gave her the courage to prompt him.

“Because I could have buried her not hating her, I could have said goodbye still remembering the good things about her” he said, his voice was hard and bitter.

Stevie was shocked by the level of emotion underlying his words but she did her best not to show it. “What happened?” she asked when he again fell silent.

“Leah chose a life where her only interest was self destruction. She became involved in the drug culture.”

“Because of the death of your parent’s?” Stevie asked, thinking she understood now what had happened.

But Grant shook his head, “no, that I could almost have understood and forgiven. No, I’m sure Leah was already dabbling in that stuff before the accident. She was only just eighteen when my parents died. Being the youngest, she had been over indulged all her life and it didn’t do her any good. Even at that age she was a party girl, only interested in the next good time. No, what I struggled with was the fact that she used their death as an excuse to delve further. That’s what I can’t forgive. Stupidly at first I thought I could save her. I’d only just moved into this house when they died so she came here to live with me. I gave up my job when things got bad and began working from home so I could be there to look after her.” His tone embittered and his expression angry he added “fat lot of good it did.”

Stevie squeezed his hand. She had no words.