Fear

It hangs like a dark spectre over everything. It permeates everything she does. There is no laughter, no fun, no relief. It sits like a weight on her chest, bearing down on her, trying to crush her. 

Her family can't stay at home. He knows where they live. They sleep huddled together on the lounge room floor of her mother's tiny one bedroom flat. She needs to feel her kids close to be able to sleep now.

She doesn’t answer the phone at home anymore. It is unplugged from the wall. Her old mobile is turned off. She has a new phone, no one knows the number. 

During the day she goes back to their house and lets herself in, quickly turning off the alarm before resetting it once she is inside. She used to love this house, it was her sanctuary. Not anymore. It doesn’t feel safe now. Nowhere does. Moving quickly she gathers what they need for that night. She never lingers long.

She randomly changes her pick up point for the kids after school, always worrying they will forget where she'd told them that morning. She tries not to show them how scared she is, but she knows they feel it. They have been woken from their bed in the middle of the night too many times. They are used to fleeing at a moment’s notice now. They no longer question it. They don't argue with each other anymore. They barely talk. She'd give anything to have to referee one of the fights between them she once hated so much.

Every day she worries about her husband. He knows where her husband works and has visited him there before. She is terrified the next time he comes, he will do what he promised.

She tries not to cry because she knows it hurts her man. He wants to be able to protect them but there is nothing he can do, nothing anyone can do. 

As each day passes it becomes harder for her to remember what life was like before. But she knows she wants it back. Every morning she wakes praying that this will be the day it ends. She wants life to be boring. She wants to be normal. She wants more than anything not to be afraid.

She is so tired. She doesn’t know how long she can hang on. Day after day she pushes herself to keep going, drawing on a strength she didn’t know she had, all the time wondering where it will end. What more will she lose. She has given up asking why. She knows it is a waste of time. There is no reason to it. It just is. No matter what happens now, she will never be the same.

As time goes on, she tries not to give up hope. She holds on to the belief that one day it will be done. One day the police will catch him and it will be over. And then she will be able to rest, then she’ll be thankful for all the simple things she took for granted before and peace will be hers. But for now, she just keeps moving, fear her constant companion. No relaxation, no respite, no reprieve.