Loss and Longing

The words were torn from him and while she was relieved Stevie felt remorseful for pushing him. “I’m sorry” she said.

He shook his head, “I should have told you before.”

“Do you often dream about her?”

“I did, I haven’t for a while now though. I was hoping they were a thing of the past. Maybe it was being with your family tonight that stirred it up. I don’t know.”

Stevie crawled over to him and wrapped her arms around him from behind. “I’m sorry” she said again.

He sighed and fitted one hand around her forearm as it lay across his chest. “You have nothing to apologise for.”

“I shouldn’t have made you tell me. I should have trusted you. Is this what you haven’t been able to talk about?”

He nodded.

“Well don’t worry about it” she said, wanting to give him some space. “Let’s just go back to sleep. This isn’t the time.”

“No” he said turning to face her “I need to tell you about it.”

“Are you sure?” she said.

“Yes” he said and pushing the pillow up against the bed head he leant back against it, his long legs were straight out on the bed and crossed at the ankles. “It’s not going to go away by itself. I know that now. Maybe telling you will help.”

Stevie sat next to him and picked up his hand. “Did she die in the accident that killed your parents” she asked trying to help him.

“No” he said “but I wish she had.”

“Why?” she asked when he didn’t say any more. Her voice was soft. She knew now he needed to talk and that gave her the courage to prompt him.

“Because I could have buried her not hating her, I could have said goodbye still remembering the good things about her” he said, his voice was hard and bitter.

Stevie was shocked by the level of emotion underlying his words but she did her best not to show it. “What happened?” she asked when he again fell silent.

“Leah chose a life where her only interest was self destruction. She became involved in the drug culture.”

“Because of the death of your parent’s?” Stevie asked, thinking she understood now what had happened.

But Grant shook his head, “no, that I could almost have understood and forgiven. No, I’m sure Leah was already dabbling in that stuff before the accident. She was only just eighteen when my parents died. Being the youngest, she had been over indulged all her life and it didn’t do her any good. Even at that age she was a party girl, only interested in the next good time. No, what I struggled with was the fact that she used their death as an excuse to delve further. That’s what I can’t forgive. Stupidly at first I thought I could save her. I’d only just moved into this house when they died so she came here to live with me. I gave up my job when things got bad and began working from home so I could be there to look after her.” His tone embittered and his expression angry he added “fat lot of good it did.”

Stevie squeezed his hand. She had no words.

Going Home

Part 119

Next morning when Grace woke it took her a minute to work out where she was. Then as the wound in her left arm made its presence known she remembered what had happened and hearing a slow rhythmic breathing turned her head and smiled. Josh was sleeping in a chair next to the bed. Some one had given him a pillow and a blanket and he had his large feet up on the bed.

Reaching out Grace touched his arm where it rested next to the bed and Josh woke with a start.

Looking around he saw Grace was awake and he smiled. Getting out of the chair he sat beside her on the bed and said “morning.” Then bending to give her lips a soft kiss he asked “how do you feel?”

Smiling at him Grace said “like I’ve been run over by a truck.”

“Well thank god you don’t look like that.” He joked.

Laughing Grace said with contrition “I didn’t mean for you to stay all night Josh, you should have gone home.”

“Why? I got more sleep here than I would have at home worrying about you. You scared the life out of me Grace.”

Grace looked him with a serious expression. She had been there too and she knew exactly how he must have been feeling. So nodding she said “I know.”

Loss and Longing

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Stevie had loved curling up next to Grant in the dark that night and had wanted to savour it. But with his arms wrapped around her, making her feel more safe and protected than she had felt since she was a kid, when she used to crawl into her parents bed after a bad dream, she had dropped off to sleep before she knew it. However in the early hours of the morning she started awake. At first she wasn’t sure what had woken her but as she sat up and listened she felt movement coming from the man in the bed next to her. Reaching over she turned on the bedside light and looked at Grant. He was tossing and turning and as she watched for a minute she heard him mutter a name, Leah.  Her chest tightened. She didn’t know who Leah was but the fact that he was dreaming about her, worried her.

Moving onto her knees she reached out and shook him awake. He started and said “what? ” before his eyes opened.

As his lids lifted and he looked at her, she said “you were dreaming.” Then unable to leave it unspoken between them, needing to know for her own peace of mind, with a worried expression she added “about someone named Leah.”

Grant rubbed his hands over his head “damn” he said. Pushing the sheet aside he sat up and lowered his legs over the side of the bed.

Stevie didn’t move and when he didn’t speak she said “please Grant who is Leah?”

Grant rested his elbows on his thighs and lowered his chin onto his hands, but he didn’t speak.

And when Stevie had just about given up on him speaking he did but what he said didn’t make any sense. He said “not is.”

Stevie frowned “sorry?”

“Not is” he said again “was. She was my sister.”

Going Home

Part 118

Not long after his parents left the TR team turned up. Lawson and Dom came in first with Josh’s gear so he could change out of his uniform. Taking charge of Josh’s firearm, as Josh changed, Lawson said “so she’s going to be okay?”

“Yeah the doctor said she’ll be fine.”

Smiling Lawson asked“I guess we’re going to be a man down for a while. Did the doctor say how long she’ll be out of action?”

“No I didn’t get a chance to ask, a couple of weeks I’d say.”

“Well what about you, are you going to be at work tomorrow?”

Nodding Josh said “yeah, but I may be late. I want to be here when the doctor turns up.”

“Fair enough, I’ll let Kerry know.”

Josh nodded “thanks Lawson.”

“No worries” Lawson said then added in a sardonic tone “it’s not like anything I said was going to make any difference anyway.”

Smiling as he acknowledged the truth in that statement Josh turned back to watch Grace.

But Grace continued to sleep through her visitors so Lawson and Dom didn’t hang around long and as soon as they left, Stella and Michael came in. Their stay was even shorter, a thing Josh was immensely grateful for, it had been a long day and he didn’t feel like talking to anyone anymore. He just wanted to sit with Grace and let it sink in that she was going to be okay.

Loss and Longing

The rest of the evening went well and Stevie noticed that Nina went out of her way to make Grant feel at home and by the time they were ready to go, Stevie had forgiven her mother for the shaky start. As she hugged her goodbye, her mother reassured her further as she whispered “I’m an idiot, forgive me. He’s lovely.”

Stevie smiled at her as she moved back, “thank you.”

“See you tomorrow” Nina said and picking up her bag Stevie walked out with Grant.

As they walked down the stairs from the front door Grant said “Come with me. I can drop you back whenever you’re ready.”

Uncertain, Stevie stopped and bit the side of her mouth, “what if someone needs me?” she asked.

“Then I’ll bring you back” Grant said, turning back to look at her with a smile.

 She smiled back at him, “okay” she said and taking the hand he was holding out, she walked to his car.

At his place Grant took her bag and after putting it in his bedroom joined her in the living room. As he lowered himself down beside her he said “do you want to tell me what was going on with you and your mother?”

Stevie winced. “It was nothing really.”

“So no reason not to tell me then” he said with a grin.

She laughed, feeling a little nervous. She didn’t want there to be a problem between him and her family. “She was just a little surprised at your age” Stevie said.

“Right” he said. “Is it an issue for you?”

“No” Stevie said “not at all, seven years isn’t that much and even Mum had changed her tune by the end of the night.”

“I hadn’t actually thought about it” he said looking away.

“There is no reason to think about it” Stevie said worried that she’d upset him, “because it is not an issue, for her or me.”

Grant just looked at her, his expression serious.

Determined to get him to accept that it wasn’t a problem, Stevie moved to sit on his lap, her knees on the couch on either side of his hips. She looked down at him and as she did she saw the corner of his mouth lift and she realised he’d been teasing her. Her eyes narrowed but as his hands settled on her hips, she smiled.  Then lowering her head, she kissed him.

Grant smiled against her mouth and getting to his feet with her wrapped around him, he walked into the bedroom.