Going Home

Part 21

On the walk down to the pub Grace glanced at Josh. He was quiet, obviously still thinking about what he learnt from his mother and she couldn’t blame him, it was a lot to take in. But she’d hoped by taking his mind off it for a while, he’d have a different perspective when he went back to it. First though she had to change his focus. She was hopeful some healthy competition at the pool table would give him little time to think about anything else.

But Josh’s head was a mess. Everything his mother told him kept going around and around. As they walked to the pub he couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming and it was driving him crazy. So grateful for any chance of a distraction, on reaching the pub he immediately commandeered a pool table while Grace went to get them a drink. As he set up the balls Josh frowned as memories of his life before the accident flood his mind. Times he had played pool with Gavin that he hadn’t thought about for years. But surprisingly, as he steeled himself for the pain those memories always brought he found it didn’t eventuate. He found he could remember those times without being overwhelmed by grief and guilt. Maybe meeting with his mother had helped him in a way he didn’t expect. Suddenly Josh’s mood was lighter.

Walking back from the bar Grace studied the strange expression on Josh’s face. Not sure what it meant she handed him his beer and putting her own down on the edge of the table picked up a cue “ok my break.”

Her voice breaking into his thoughts Josh looked up with a slight smile “how do you figure?”

Smiling sweetly Grace teased “well I thought seeing as you were so much better than me you could afford to give me a head start.”

Josh raised his eyebrows “oh so when it suits you I’m better than you.”

“Well of course, but if you repeat that to anyone I’ll deny it.” Grace joked.

Shaking his head and smiling Josh stepped back and watched as Grace took the first shot wondering how he ever got so lucky. 

Seeing a smile on Josh’s face and sensing the change in his mood, Grace was filled with hope that he would come out the other side of this more at peace with his past than when it started.

Going Home

Part 20

As they entered their apartment, concerned Grace looked at Josh. They had been silent all the way home. She wanted to give Josh time to think about everything but now she hoped he was ready to talk.

After closing the front door Josh strode into the living room and sitting on the couch rubbed his hands over his face.  The agitation he was feeling visible in his movements. He was more confused than ever now and was doing his head in.

Running her hand tenderly over his head as she sat down next to him, Grace asked “you okay?”

Frowning, Josh glanced at her then away again and growled “stuffed if I know.”

Moving onto her knees so she could reach him, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed the side of his jaw. She asked “can I do anything to help?”

“Yeah tell me what I do now.”

Smiling Grace said “I wish I could Josh, but you have to decide that otherwise it won’t work.” Then after a pause she asked “what did you think about what your mother said?”

Turning his head to look at her, his expression was grim. “I don’t know. I’d like to believe what she said but it’s been so long.”

“I know Josh” she said. Then treading carefully she asked “tell me this then Josh, what was she like when you were growing up? What sort of person was she? Would you have believed then that she would have not wanted to speak to you for so many years no matter what happened?”

Looking away Josh considered this for a minute. “No” he finally said in a quiet voice.

Grace nodded. “Then she probably didn’t Josh.”

Turning his head Josh looked at her puzzled. “What did you think?”

Grace shrugged her shoulders “it’s different for me. I’m not as involved, so I can see both sides. Hearing what she had to say I could understand how it was for her and how things turned out the way they did. From what I saw today I think she’s a good person and I don’t think she meant to hurt you or to leave it so long before contacting you. I think she got caught up in a horrific situation the same as you did. And I think she’s suffered for it as much as you have.”

Josh was silent. He didn’t know what to think. He could see the point Grace was making, that they were all victims of circumstance but after all those year he didn’t know if he could forgive so easily.

Watching Josh Grace saw his worried expression and wanting to take his mind off it for a while she said “look why don’t we leave it there for now and go and have a drink and a game of pool. A change of scenery may help clear your head.” Then smiling, she teased “besides I might have a chance of beating you if you’re distracted.”

Shaking off the concerns about his parents for the moment, Josh responded to her levity. A crooked smile appearing on his face he said “think so? We’ll see about that” and giving her a quick kiss he stood. Helping Grace to her feet he led the way out the door, as they headed for their local pub.

Rescue Me

Part 11

Looking around the shop, Jesse was curious, “how long have you owned this place?”

“Not quite a year.” She looked around too as if trying to see it through his eyes, “my parents thought I was mad.”

His eyes coming back to rest on her he asked “how come?”

She shrugged and went back to sorting prescriptions “they thought I should just work for someone else. They didn’t think the stress of owning my own shop was worth it.”

“What do you think?”

She looked over at him again and he could see the surprise in her eyes, like she wasn’t used to people asking what she wanted.

“Last night I was beginning to think they might be right” she said.

“And now?” 

“Now I know, despite the problems, this is right for me.”

Jesse nodded “fair enough.”

She smiled, “thanks.”

“For what?”

“For everything.” She looked away, “I meant to say that last night.”

“I’m thinking you weren’t feeling too thankful then” he teased, giving her half a smile as she looked back at him, a surprised expression on her face. 

Kayla smiled before looking away again as someone entered the shop. Watching as a middle aged woman rushed into the shop towards Kayla. Jesse noticed that this time she didn’t jump.

Going Home

Part 19

Margaret watched Josh as he walked away then looked at Grace. “I don’t think he’s ever going to be able to forgive me.”

Grace sat forward and looked at Margaret with sympathy “He’s going to need some time. He’s lived with the belief that he was responsible for his brothers death and that you held him accountable for a long time. It will take him a while to get used to the idea that that’s not the case. But he will. I’m sure of it.”

Margaret smiled at Grace. She was glad her son had such a lovely person in his life. “Thank you.” 

Grace returned her smile. She hadn’t known what to expect meeting Josh’s mother. She had wondered what sort of person she would be to allow fourteen years to go by without any contact with her only remaining son. But now she had met her she was pleased to find she seemed a good person, pushed beyond her limits by horrible circumstances. And being separated from the emotion of it, Grace could understand how it might have happened. She could see that they had all paid a price.

Josh moved back to his mother and Grace and looking at Grace said “let’s go.”

Grace got to her feet. Then turning to Margaret she smiled, “it’s been nice to meet you.”

Margaret stood and smiled at Grace “thank you, you too.”

Then turning to Josh and studying his stern expression Margaret asked with caution “I’m here until the day after tomorrow can we meet again?”

Josh just looked at her for a minute, his expression grim before he replied “you’ve got my number.” Then turning away he asked Grace “ready?”

Grace smiled at him, “sure.” She wasn’t fooled by his gruff attitude. She knew he felt more than he showed. But it seemed he was not ready to forgive just yet. Lifting her hand to Margaret in a gesture of farewell they turned and left.

Margaret watched as they crossed the foyer and smiled as she saw Josh put his arm around Grace and pull her close to kiss her. She was pleased he had found someone to share his life with. They seemed happy together and she liked Grace. But the smile dropped from her face as she considered her son’s reaction. She wasn’t sure she felt as optimistic as Grace about it. His attitude did not bode well but she could only hope that once he had had time to think about it they would be able to start a fresh.

Rescue Me

Part 10

Kayla started as Jesse entered. She looked at him without speaking.

“Still jumpy?” he asked with a frown, not missing her involuntary movement.

“Just a little” she replied, sounding casual as she looked back at what she was doing “I’m sure it will pass.”

He had a feeling she wasn’t a cool as she was trying to make out “it’ll take time.” Then after a pause he added “I didn’t mean to upset you last night. It was just that you’re an easy target in this strip with no one else open at night.”

She looked up at him and Jesse could see the contrition in her eyes “no I’m sorry” she said “you didn’t deserve that. You just hit a sore spot.”

He nodded and let the matter drop. But he couldn’t leave her here alone. He asked “what time do you finish?”

Looking at her watch she said “fifteen minutes, why?”

“I’ll walk you home.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Yeah I know” he shrugged “but I’ll sleep better knowing you locked up and got there okay.”

She smiled, “thanks.”

“No worries.” He took a seat on a stool at one end of the counter.

Going Home

Part 18

 Looking away from Josh, down at her hands Margaret tried to account for why so many years had slipped by without them contacting him “for a while I just wasn’t capable of doing anything constructive. I was operating pretty much on auto pilot. It was the only way I could cope with the pain. Then after the grief of losing Gavin subsided a bit and I was able to feel something again what I felt most was anger, anger at you yes but not because of the accident. For a long time I was angry with you for walking out. Your leaving meant I hadn’t lost one son but two. I know that wasn’t fair but I just couldn’t seem to get past it. Then when I did, so much time had passed that I just didn’t know how to reach out to you again and the longer I left it the harder it got.”   

“So what’s changed?” Josh asked, his voice harsh.

Margaret looked at her son, her eyes sad, “well it became a choice between finding the courage to contact you or losing another man in my life through my inaction. When it came down to it I just couldn’t live with myself if I did nothing again to stop a person I love hurting.”

With an abrupt move, Josh stood and pushing his hands into his pockets, he moved away. He didn’t want to be effected by his mother’s words but he was. As much as he didn’t want to, deep down, he could see that they had suffered in the same way he had. But he was nursing too much resentment to acknowledge this to her yet. He needed time to process everything.

Going Home

Part 17

Josh frowned again “what about him?”

Grace, watching Margaret’s face sensed that whatever it was it wasn’t good and turned to look at Josh.

Margaret was quiet for a minute then looking Josh in the eye she replied “he’s not well, he hasn’t been for some time really.”

Josh would have liked to be unmoved by that news. He couldn’t understand why it should matter to him after all this time, but it did and he couldn’t help but ask “what is it?”

Margaret took a deep breath she had been dreading this. She hated that it has taken a crisis for her to approach him, it seemed so melodramatic, like something out of a movie. It made it seem like that was the only reason they were making contact when really it was just a catalyst for something they had been wanting to do for more years than she cared to remember. But squaring her shoulders she began. “A few weeks ago he suffered what is called a TIA which the doctors said is a like warning for a stroke. He is okay again at the moment but he needs to heed the warning and make some changes. The doctor said it occurred because of the prolonged stress he has been under.” Margaret paused and searched Josh’s face. He was frowning and she could see he didn’t understand, so she continued. “You see his way of dealing with what happened, with the grief and the guilt was to work and he’s worked without a break for over fourteen years. He’s worked himself into the ground and his body can’t take it anymore. The work and the unresolved emotions, it’s just become too much.” 

Still frowning Josh asked “grief I can understand but guilt, what does he have to feel guilty about?”

Margaret Joshua looked at her son intently, “he feels guilty about what we did to you.”

 “Yeah right” Josh scoffed.

“Of course he feels guilty Bren… Josh, we both do.”

“Well you’ve could have fooled me.” he growled, his disbelieve obvious.

“I know Josh and I’m sorry. More sorry than I can say. I know you left believing that we blamed you for what happened but that’s not the case. We never blamed you. It was an accident, we knew that, but we were in shock, we’d lost a son. I also knew you blamed yourself, but at the time I just couldn’t help you, I could barely help myself, and then you were gone.”

Scowling Josh was unable to disguise the bitterness in his voice as he asked “so why wait fourteen years, if you knew that’s how I felt why didn’t you contact me sooner? Why let me think all this time that you held me responsible?”

Shaking her head sadly Margaret Joshua looked at him, “I’d like to explain but I don’t know if you’ll understand, I can’t expect you to really.”

Josh wasn’t sure he’d understand either but he needed an explanation so he growled “try me.”