Going Home

Part 17

Josh frowned again “what about him?”

Grace, watching Margaret’s face sensed that whatever it was it wasn’t good and turned to look at Josh.

Margaret was quiet for a minute then looking Josh in the eye she replied “he’s not well, he hasn’t been for some time really.”

Josh would have liked to be unmoved by that news. He couldn’t understand why it should matter to him after all this time, but it did and he couldn’t help but ask “what is it?”

Margaret took a deep breath she had been dreading this. She hated that it has taken a crisis for her to approach him, it seemed so melodramatic, like something out of a movie. It made it seem like that was the only reason they were making contact when really it was just a catalyst for something they had been wanting to do for more years than she cared to remember. But squaring her shoulders she began. “A few weeks ago he suffered what is called a TIA which the doctors said is a like warning for a stroke. He is okay again at the moment but he needs to heed the warning and make some changes. The doctor said it occurred because of the prolonged stress he has been under.” Margaret paused and searched Josh’s face. He was frowning and she could see he didn’t understand, so she continued. “You see his way of dealing with what happened, with the grief and the guilt was to work and he’s worked without a break for over fourteen years. He’s worked himself into the ground and his body can’t take it anymore. The work and the unresolved emotions, it’s just become too much.” 

Still frowning Josh asked “grief I can understand but guilt, what does he have to feel guilty about?”

Margaret Joshua looked at her son intently, “he feels guilty about what we did to you.”

 “Yeah right” Josh scoffed.

“Of course he feels guilty Bren… Josh, we both do.”

“Well you’ve could have fooled me.” he growled, his disbelieve obvious.

“I know Josh and I’m sorry. More sorry than I can say. I know you left believing that we blamed you for what happened but that’s not the case. We never blamed you. It was an accident, we knew that, but we were in shock, we’d lost a son. I also knew you blamed yourself, but at the time I just couldn’t help you, I could barely help myself, and then you were gone.”

Scowling Josh was unable to disguise the bitterness in his voice as he asked “so why wait fourteen years, if you knew that’s how I felt why didn’t you contact me sooner? Why let me think all this time that you held me responsible?”

Shaking her head sadly Margaret Joshua looked at him, “I’d like to explain but I don’t know if you’ll understand, I can’t expect you to really.”

Josh wasn’t sure he’d understand either but he needed an explanation so he growled “try me.”