Going Home

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Part 75

After Josh got dressed again, he stepped out onto the balcony and stood looking out over the industrial area across the road. His expression was thoughtful.

A few minutes later, Grace emerged from the bedroom dressed in track suit pants and a t-shirt and looking around for Josh she smiled as she spotted him leaning on the railing on the balcony. Stepping out behind him, she looped an arm around his neck and kissed the side of his jaw.

Josh moved his face a little against her mouth, acknowledging the kiss but lost in his thoughts, he continued to look out across the road.

Watching him, Grace was worried. “You okay?” she said.

“Yeah, just thinking.”

“About the weekend?”

“Mmm.”

“How do you feel about things now?” she said in a gentle voice then feeling a little guilty she added “I know I asked before but I’m afraid I got a bit distracted.”

 Josh smiled and turned his head to look at her. “Yes you did and then you distracted me but to answer your question I’m okay with it.”

“So you can believe now that they didn’t blame you?”

“Yeah, I think so” he said looking away.

Grace’s eyes remained on his face as she asked “and are you still angry with them?”

 Josh frowned and turning back to look at her said “hell I don’t know Grace it still took them fourteen years to get in contact with me.”

Grace laid her hand on his forearm as it rested on the railing. “Yes I know Josh but I think that ute shows, you were never out of their thoughts. And I know they regret it, I saw how guilty they felt about letting all that time slip by.”

Raising an eyebrow, Josh admitted with some reluctance, “yeah the ute surprised me.”

Grace was quiet for a minute. She was hoping that accepting that his parents didn’t blame him would have helped Josh forgive himself too. She asked “and Gavin how do you feel now about what happened?”

Focusing on the scenery again, Josh said “better I guess.”

Studying his worried expression she tried to clarify things for him, “it was an accident Josh, it wasn’t your fault.”

Looking down at his hands, his voice tinged with sadness, he said “yeah but that doesn’t change the fact that I was the one driving.”

Grace put her arm around him and tried again to help him. “Josh we can’t change the past. Everyone makes mistakes it’s part of being human. But what we can do is choose how we move on. I think the best way you can pay respect to Gavin’s life is to forgive your self so you can remember him. That way his death isn’t an end.”

Turning his head and looking at her for a second, Josh considers the point she was making. He could see she was right. All these years Gavin has been lost completely because it was too painful to remember him. But going back to the farm and coming to terms with what had happened had allowed those memories to flow again and nodding he said, “it’s good to be able to remember stuff about him.”

She smiled. “I’m glad Josh. Maybe we can think of a way you can all say good bye properly that gives you a point to move on from with a new relationship.”

 “Maybe” Josh said having done enough thinking for one day. Straightening he pulled her into his arms and held her. If she hadn’t been there he knew he would never have returned the call that started all this and grateful for her help he said “thanks.”

Grace smiled against his chest and held him. She knew he was talking about more than their recent conversation. She said “you’re welcome.”

Going Home

Part 73

Walking in their front door, it seemed to Grace that they had been away a lot longer than three days. So much had happened in that time it felt like it was a month since they were last here. Continuing on into the bedroom Grace put her bag on the floor. But before she could even open it to unpack, Josh picked her up over his shoulder and carried her into the bathroom.

“Josh” Grace said as he set her on his feet next to the bath “what are you doing?”

Josh grinned “don’t you remember, you have a promise to keep.”

Laughing Grace said “ah yes the bath.” Then raising an eyebrow, she said “obviously all that fresh air has a certain effect on you, I’ll have to remember that.”

But shaking his head Josh said “it’s not the air that had an effect on me, that’s all you.”

 And after pausing a minute, he continued in a thoughtful tone, “although I will admit seeing you in that setting may have had something to do with it. Even now just the thought of you in jeans and boots in that shed is enough to drive me crazy.”

Smiling Grace admitted “well you didn’t look so bad yourself out there.” She ran her hands down his abdomen, her eyes following her hands down before looking back into his eyes when she continued in a seductive voice, “not that you look bad here.”

Without speaking Josh leant in and kissed her. When she talked like that he just couldn’t help himself and picking her up again this time with her legs wrapped around him, Josh carried her back to the bedroom.

Setting her on her feet next to the bed, his mouth left hers and he watched her face as his hands at her waist, found the bottom of her t-shirt and began to explore the soft skin underneath it.

Grace’s closed her eyes and her mind shut down at the sensation his touch created. No one has ever made her feel what he did. With just one touch all her mental processes ceased. But with her last coherent thought she said softly “what about the bath?”

With his lips inches from hers, Josh said “no time, later” and closing the distance, he kissed her as he lay her down on the bed.

Going Home

Part 72

Margaret watched until the car was out of sight and the dust had settled on the road once more before turning to speak to Robert, but as she did she realised she was alone. She sighed. She knew he was angry with her and why. She also had a fair idea where he’d gone, so she didn’t rush off to find him. Instead she moved slowly to give him some time.

As Margaret reached the shed that housed Josh’s ute she paused. She took a deep breath to prepare herself for what was to come, then walked inside. As she did, Margaret saw the cover was off the ute and that Robert was sitting in the driver’s seat wiping a cloth over the dash board, his expression was stern. Opening the passenger door Margaret slipped into the seat next to Robert and watched as he polished the interior.

Without looking at her Robert accused, “you showed him.”

Hiding a smile she knew he wouldn’t appreciate, Margaret studied his profile and said “yes I showed him, he needed to know.”

“And what if he hadn’t been happy about it?”

“He was never going to be unhappy about it Robert. How could anybody be unhappy about what you’ve done here?”

Turning away Robert said “I didn’t want him to think it was a play for his forgiveness.”

“I know Robert and he didn’t think that” and with a sigh Margaret continued “we’ve been very lucky. He’s a good man, no thanks to us and while he may not have forgiven us completely yet, we are a lot closer than we were. And we’re not going to give up. We are not going to let him drop out of our lives again are we?”

Turning his head Robert looked at his wife for a moment then reaching out he pulled her into his arms and said “no Ret, there is no way we are going to let that happen. I don’t think any of us could survive it again.”

Margaret smiled and blinked back tears, at the old nick-name her husband had used for her. He hadn’t called her that since before the accident.

Holding his wife in his arms Robert took a deep breath and said “you’re right, we are very lucky, luckier than we have a right to be.”

Going Home

Part 71

Finally it was time to leave. Josh carried the bags out to the car and as Grace said goodbye to Robert and Margaret he took a last look around the farm. He remembered how, when they first arrived, that he had stood in the same spot and thought nothing had changed in the fourteen years he had been away. Today however, as he looked around, it seemed everything was different. The farm still felt familiar, but it no longer evoked the painful feelings it used to. Feeling that kept it trapped in a past that no one wanted to remember. To Josh it seemed more had changed in three days of his being there than in the fourteen years he was away. Turning to his parents Josh prepared himself to say goodbye.

Grace watched Josh as he approached his parents. She wondered what he was feeling. She suspected that leaving may be almost as painful for him as arriving.

Reaching Robert first Josh put out his hand to shake his father’s. Robert clasped Josh’s hand, then on impulse, he pulled his son forward and hugged him. Josh was surprised but before he could react it was over. Feeling a little embarrassed he said “see ya.”

Robert smiled and patting him on the arm he said in an adamant tone, “count on it.”

Turning to his mother Josh was more prepared for what happened and when Margaret hugged him, Josh even managed to return the embrace. But as he moved back Margaret clasped his face between her hands. “Bye Josh, I’ll ring you in a couple of days” and before he could move away she kissed his cheek. 

Josh’s expression was serious as he moved back but not because he objected to the gesture. He just wasn’t sure how to respond. Thoughtful for a second, he finally said “okay, talk to you then” and holding his hand up to his father Josh got into the driver’s seat. Grace smiled at Josh’s parents and waving she got into the passenger seat. She looked over at Josh. “You okay?”

Josh turned his head and looked at her for a minute before he said “yeah, I’m good.”

Grace smiled and reaching out, laid a hand on his face. She was happy he’d come out of it okay.

Then turning his head back to the front, Josh started the car and backed out of the yard and on to the drive. Putting his arm out the window and giving Robert and Margaret a wave, Josh, with Grace, started the trip home.

Going Home

Part 70

Then giving up finding a way to ease into the subject uppermost on his mind Josh said without preamble “Mum showed me the ute.”

Robert’s head spun around to look at Josh with a frown. Then turning away again he said “oh.”

Watching him Josh said “do you mind?”

Looking back at him Robert replied “not if you don’t.”

Josh frowned, “why would I mind?”

Robert gave a shrug as he looks away again, “I don’t know. I just wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it. I didn’t want you to think I’d done it as a way to make you forgive me.”

Josh’s eyes were on his feet and he said “I didn’t think that.”

Robert looked at Josh for a minute again, before his gaze dropped away. He was quiet as he got his emotions under control. He was glad Josh wasn’t upset about it. Working on the ute was what kept him together after the accident. Gavin was dead and Josh was gone. It seemed to Robert at the time that the ute was all he had left of his boys. Restoring it had helped keep them present in his mind. After a few minutes of silence Robert said “ok.”

Josh didn’t know what to say. He could tell this had stirred up some powerful emotions for his father. Finally he said the only thing he could think of “thanks.”

Robert turned his head and looked at his son “no thank you Josh. Thank you for coming and for making an effort to forgive what we did, it’s more than we deserve. I’m glad the visit seems to have helped you. You should never have had to live with all that guilt for so long. Don’t let it weigh you down anymore son. It was not your fault and I will never forgive myself for letting you think it was.” Robert could no longer hold back the tears and he turned his head away so Josh wouldn’t see. He had failed his son when he needed him most and caused untold harm in the process. As far as he was concerned he didn’t deserve Josh’s forgiveness, but all the same he couldn’t help needing it desperately.

But Josh no longer felt the bitterness he did when he came. The events of the weekend had helped him see that his parents do care for him and did not blame him or intentionally hurt him. So putting his hand on his fathers shoulder Josh tried to ease his pain a little. “It’s okay Dad. I survived and it’s all over now. Let’s move on from here.”

Robert looked at his son. He was more grateful than he could say. Josh had survived enormous adversity and come out a better man than he was. After a while, Robert nodded “okay Josh, we’ll move forward. Thank you”

It was Josh turn to look away.  “No worries” he said. Then in a bid to change the mood he added “now about this fence.”

Robert smiled turned around to inspects the half completed task. “Yes the fence. I guess we’d better get it done so you can go home.”

Josh smiled too and they both worked to finish what needed to be done.