Going Home

Part 70

Then giving up finding a way to ease into the subject uppermost on his mind Josh said without preamble “Mum showed me the ute.”

Robert’s head spun around to look at Josh with a frown. Then turning away again he said “oh.”

Watching him Josh said “do you mind?”

Looking back at him Robert replied “not if you don’t.”

Josh frowned, “why would I mind?”

Robert gave a shrug as he looks away again, “I don’t know. I just wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it. I didn’t want you to think I’d done it as a way to make you forgive me.”

Josh’s eyes were on his feet and he said “I didn’t think that.”

Robert looked at Josh for a minute again, before his gaze dropped away. He was quiet as he got his emotions under control. He was glad Josh wasn’t upset about it. Working on the ute was what kept him together after the accident. Gavin was dead and Josh was gone. It seemed to Robert at the time that the ute was all he had left of his boys. Restoring it had helped keep them present in his mind. After a few minutes of silence Robert said “ok.”

Josh didn’t know what to say. He could tell this had stirred up some powerful emotions for his father. Finally he said the only thing he could think of “thanks.”

Robert turned his head and looked at his son “no thank you Josh. Thank you for coming and for making an effort to forgive what we did, it’s more than we deserve. I’m glad the visit seems to have helped you. You should never have had to live with all that guilt for so long. Don’t let it weigh you down anymore son. It was not your fault and I will never forgive myself for letting you think it was.” Robert could no longer hold back the tears and he turned his head away so Josh wouldn’t see. He had failed his son when he needed him most and caused untold harm in the process. As far as he was concerned he didn’t deserve Josh’s forgiveness, but all the same he couldn’t help needing it desperately.

But Josh no longer felt the bitterness he did when he came. The events of the weekend had helped him see that his parents do care for him and did not blame him or intentionally hurt him. So putting his hand on his fathers shoulder Josh tried to ease his pain a little. “It’s okay Dad. I survived and it’s all over now. Let’s move on from here.”

Robert looked at his son. He was more grateful than he could say. Josh had survived enormous adversity and come out a better man than he was. After a while, Robert nodded “okay Josh, we’ll move forward. Thank you”

It was Josh turn to look away.  “No worries” he said. Then in a bid to change the mood he added “now about this fence.”

Robert smiled turned around to inspects the half completed task. “Yes the fence. I guess we’d better get it done so you can go home.”

Josh smiled too and they both worked to finish what needed to be done.